I Can't Believe This Is Happening

Warning: This is a long one.

I will never forget this date. This was the date we were originally scheduled to have our first ultrasound, before the other concerns had developed. We kept this appointment as a follow-up appointment and had been really looking forward to it. All of our other ultrasounds had been done in the exam room; however we were getting to go to the “real” ultrasound room this time. I was more excited than anything. I was convinced that everything was going fantastic, as I continued to have my food aversion and other pregnancy symptoms. The day had finally come! Matt was with me and we intended on calling my parents after this appointment to let them know of the pregnancy. We had also planned on telling Matt’s parents at Easter dinner on Sunday.

A cheerful and bubbly nurse entered the room to do the ultrasound. She asked how far along I was and I told her I should be measuring around 8 weeks and 5 days. I had told her that we had heard a strong heart beat two weeks ago and were excited to be on the big screen in the real ultrasound room. The nurse said, “You have nothing to worry about! This is the feel good room! People come in nervous but we always make you feel good.” The nurse asked if I would mind if two students were in the room with us during the ultrasound. I immediately agreed, as I know what it is like to be a student. Matt said, “Are you sure you want the students in here?” I said, “Of course. I have nothing to hide. Hey, they have to learn somehow, right?!”

The nurse started to do the ultrasound and she was very quiet. I had my hand rested behind my head, looking at the big screen. Matt was seated behind me in a corner. The nurse started pushing on my stomach, seemingly trying to get a good angle to take some images. She started to speak, her voice cracking, and said, “I’m so sorry.”

I’m.So.Sorry. Three words that I had not anticipated hearing. She explained that she had been unable to find a heart beat. She showed us the baby and that the heart was no longer pumping. She took several more images and measurements; all while saying, “I’m sorry to have to be doing this.” I believe the only response that came out of my mouth was, “That’s okay.” I am not a big one for attention, so I certainly didn’t want this woman to focus on my feelings.

The rest was quite a blur. The nurse quietly escorted the students out of the room. I remember thinking about them and how they had felt. Were they uncomfortable? Had they seen this before? Was I the first person that received this type of news during their training? I don’t know why I thought about them in that moment, but I remember feeling bad that they had been in the room in such a raw and shocking time for us. Everything seemed so surreal. How could this be? We had just heard the heart beat two weeks ago. A million thoughts were running through my mind: Is she sure? What if she tries again? Maybe the baby was sleeping? Must have been a bad angle? Maybe I should have an actual doctor try?

The nurse very respectively led us immediately back to an examination room. I really appreciated this and wish I had told them that I loved this part of their practice. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if we would have had to sit in the waiting room with other happy pregnant women. We got to the examination room and tears ran down my face as I sat there on a stool. Matt and I were very quiet after giving each other many hugs. The rest went by fairly quickly. The physician informed us that it was a “missed miscarriage.” She informed us that we had three options: either allow the miscarriage to happen naturally (which could take up to several weeks), take a medication to induce the miscarriage, or have a d&c procedure in the hospital.

For those that know me, I am a pretty indecisive person. It isn’t something I pride myself on, but hey, at least I’m honest. I have to tell you that in this moment, I immediately made up my mind with ease. I quietly said to the physician, “I’d like the procedure. Can you please try to do it today?” The physician said, “Do you want to talk it over with your husband.” I looked over at him and knew he was supportive of any decision I made. I said, “No, we are fine with this decision.” I couldn’t imagine the thought of feeling pregnant, however knowing there was a dead baby inside of me. A life that would not enhance. I suppose it is all how you look at it, but I felt the emotional pain would simply be too much to bare.

This is where some of my closest friends come in. They had known about my appointment today and had been so supportive and excited for both of us. I sent a text message to them while waiting in the exam room for my outpatient surgery instructions. I wrote these exact words, “No heartbeat. Sorry to have to tell you. Going to have a d&c. Trying to get it done today. Please say prayers. Matt is with me.”

Within minutes, all there of my dear friends responded. The words still warm my heart to this day. With each message I received while still in the exam room, I cried more. They had given me exactly what I needed at that time and were just what I would have hoped for in a friend. They were kind, caring and compassionate. They are all mothers themselves and I imagine they had some understanding of the disappointment and heartache that we were likely experiencing.

I offer to you the words that warmed my heart in a moment of profound loss:

“Oh Jess, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you are going through. My prayers are with both of you. I know God is watching over you. Please call me whenever, I’m here for you.”

“Jess, I love you so much. I am very sorry. Please feel free to call and talk about it or not. Many prayers.”

“Oh Jess, I’m so sorry. Of course, lots of prayers and I know everything happens for a reason but I am so sad. I’m glad Matt is there and I love you.”

With these words in my heart and my husband by my side, we headed to the local hospital to have the d&c, a procedure that would most definitely make this whole situation even more real.