Closure - if this exists!

Closure, if at all possible.
I began to tell myself that closure would possibly come in two ways for me; 1)When the pathology results came back from the d&c procedure, 2)When I got my period. I felt that the pathology results would let me know where pregnancy may stand in our future. I also felt that getting my period would let me know that my body was slowly returning back to normal. Both of these happened for me. We learned that the miscarriage was due to a chromosome abnormality ie: two sperm and one egg. We learned that there is no greater chance that this will happen to us again in the future. This helped to ease our anxieties about the future.

I wanted to tell this story for many reasons. First and foremost, it would be unfair to pretend that this never happened. The loss of our baby will always be in our hearts and will come to shape us as individuals and as a couple. Second, our family and friends deserve to know this story. We never meant to keep any of this a secret, however we felt that we had to do what was best for us. I do not have any regrets about our decisions and the way we handled our situation. Lastly, miscarriage is very common. Since our situation has happened, I have been helped along by friends that have miscarried and am always here to do the same for someone else. I believe that anyone that has miscarried truly understands the sea of emotions I felt on that day and still feel.

In closing to our baby…

Dear little bean,
Mommy and Daddy loved you and cared about you from the moment we learned of your existence. In the short weeks that you grew in my belly, I had dreams of what you would become. I will never forget you.
Love,
Mommy

Recovery Days

When I talk of recovery days, these were hardly physical recovery days. I had some cramping after the surgery and took one or two doses of pain medication, however it quickly went away. Bleeding is common, however this did not bother me as it was not uncomfortable. I took the day off from work on Friday and also on Monday. Our friends, Brandon and Pretzel, came for a visit with their son, Daniel. This visit had been planned before any of this happened and we did not want to change it because of this situation. We had already planned an Easter Egg hunt for our adorable godson and knew their visit was probably one of the best things for us. The weekend went well. We went to some wineries that weekend and enjoyed each others company.

The days that followed were a bit more difficult. When we had our friends in town, they were a great distraction. However once they left, we were left with hopes and dreams that would not yet be ours. Monday night, I cried on the couch while we were watching television, as I didn’t want to have to go back to work on Tuesday. Matt looked at me and very adorably said, “You are going to have to leave your ‘friend’ sometime.” My ‘friend.’ There is no denying this. My husband absolutely was. He was more than my friend. He was my husband, my rock, and my security blanket. I had become so dependent on him in those past few days. We made a deal. "Fine," he said. "Take one more day off on Tuesday, but then you have to go back to work." He offered to take me to the shooting range (something I had always wanted to do but never done before) and then to take me out to lunch. I immediately jumped at the chance. I called my supervisor ie: amazingly supportive and understanding woman to tell her that I felt I needed one more day off. She automatically agreed and said she would see me on Wednesday.

I want to spend a minute and mention ‘my friend’ again. I can not imagine going through this without him. Matt was so amazing and compassionate. He was truly there for me. His grieving didn’t seem to matter at that moment. When I wanted pizza, we ordered pizza. When I wanted to grow a garden, we started a garden. When I wanted to watch movies, we watched movies. When I wanted to sit on the couch and avoid my phone calls, we sat on the couch and avoided life. In a time when I felt so empty and lost, he found a way to protect and shield me. While we have been together for 7 ½ years, we grew closer than ever before on that month in April. I often ask myself how it is possible to love someone as much as I love him. Matt – you make me a better person. You do.

To The Hospital We Go

Everything went very smoothly. I checked in and paid my co-payment. I must admit that this seemed weird. It certainly wasn’t the secretary’s fault; however I couldn’t help but feel slightly angry towards him for asking me for money at a time like this. He was doing his job, however I would have paid him 100 times more if he could have changed the situation. Once I was checked in, I was taken to pre-op to get ready for surgery. I changed into my gown and Matt stayed in the room with me, sitting in the recliner chair, watching television. I remember thinking how glad I was that he was there with me. The anesthesiologist met me shortly after to start my IV. I met with the physician that was going to do the procedure and before I knew it, I was being pushed back into another room. I barely remember sliding onto another bed, before resting comfortably.

When I woke up, Matt was right by my side. He had just come back from getting my medication and was so attentive. The nurse gave me some gingerale and peanut butter crackers. Amazingly, I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten well for a few weeks before this due to the food aversions, so I enjoyed having Matt feed me crackers that I actually enjoyed eating. I must admit, I did have two snack bags of crackers. After spending time in recovery, I was finally ready to go. Matt pulled the car up and I was taken by wheelchair outside. On the way home, I was still feeling hungry. For those who know me, you know I love to eat. I asked Matt if we could pick up a cheese pizza. He was concerned about me eating a cheese pizza after anesthesia, however gave into my strong desire for real food. Let me tell you...the pizza tasted good!

I Can't Believe This Is Happening

Warning: This is a long one.

I will never forget this date. This was the date we were originally scheduled to have our first ultrasound, before the other concerns had developed. We kept this appointment as a follow-up appointment and had been really looking forward to it. All of our other ultrasounds had been done in the exam room; however we were getting to go to the “real” ultrasound room this time. I was more excited than anything. I was convinced that everything was going fantastic, as I continued to have my food aversion and other pregnancy symptoms. The day had finally come! Matt was with me and we intended on calling my parents after this appointment to let them know of the pregnancy. We had also planned on telling Matt’s parents at Easter dinner on Sunday.

A cheerful and bubbly nurse entered the room to do the ultrasound. She asked how far along I was and I told her I should be measuring around 8 weeks and 5 days. I had told her that we had heard a strong heart beat two weeks ago and were excited to be on the big screen in the real ultrasound room. The nurse said, “You have nothing to worry about! This is the feel good room! People come in nervous but we always make you feel good.” The nurse asked if I would mind if two students were in the room with us during the ultrasound. I immediately agreed, as I know what it is like to be a student. Matt said, “Are you sure you want the students in here?” I said, “Of course. I have nothing to hide. Hey, they have to learn somehow, right?!”

The nurse started to do the ultrasound and she was very quiet. I had my hand rested behind my head, looking at the big screen. Matt was seated behind me in a corner. The nurse started pushing on my stomach, seemingly trying to get a good angle to take some images. She started to speak, her voice cracking, and said, “I’m so sorry.”

I’m.So.Sorry. Three words that I had not anticipated hearing. She explained that she had been unable to find a heart beat. She showed us the baby and that the heart was no longer pumping. She took several more images and measurements; all while saying, “I’m sorry to have to be doing this.” I believe the only response that came out of my mouth was, “That’s okay.” I am not a big one for attention, so I certainly didn’t want this woman to focus on my feelings.

The rest was quite a blur. The nurse quietly escorted the students out of the room. I remember thinking about them and how they had felt. Were they uncomfortable? Had they seen this before? Was I the first person that received this type of news during their training? I don’t know why I thought about them in that moment, but I remember feeling bad that they had been in the room in such a raw and shocking time for us. Everything seemed so surreal. How could this be? We had just heard the heart beat two weeks ago. A million thoughts were running through my mind: Is she sure? What if she tries again? Maybe the baby was sleeping? Must have been a bad angle? Maybe I should have an actual doctor try?

The nurse very respectively led us immediately back to an examination room. I really appreciated this and wish I had told them that I loved this part of their practice. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if we would have had to sit in the waiting room with other happy pregnant women. We got to the examination room and tears ran down my face as I sat there on a stool. Matt and I were very quiet after giving each other many hugs. The rest went by fairly quickly. The physician informed us that it was a “missed miscarriage.” She informed us that we had three options: either allow the miscarriage to happen naturally (which could take up to several weeks), take a medication to induce the miscarriage, or have a d&c procedure in the hospital.

For those that know me, I am a pretty indecisive person. It isn’t something I pride myself on, but hey, at least I’m honest. I have to tell you that in this moment, I immediately made up my mind with ease. I quietly said to the physician, “I’d like the procedure. Can you please try to do it today?” The physician said, “Do you want to talk it over with your husband.” I looked over at him and knew he was supportive of any decision I made. I said, “No, we are fine with this decision.” I couldn’t imagine the thought of feeling pregnant, however knowing there was a dead baby inside of me. A life that would not enhance. I suppose it is all how you look at it, but I felt the emotional pain would simply be too much to bare.

This is where some of my closest friends come in. They had known about my appointment today and had been so supportive and excited for both of us. I sent a text message to them while waiting in the exam room for my outpatient surgery instructions. I wrote these exact words, “No heartbeat. Sorry to have to tell you. Going to have a d&c. Trying to get it done today. Please say prayers. Matt is with me.”

Within minutes, all there of my dear friends responded. The words still warm my heart to this day. With each message I received while still in the exam room, I cried more. They had given me exactly what I needed at that time and were just what I would have hoped for in a friend. They were kind, caring and compassionate. They are all mothers themselves and I imagine they had some understanding of the disappointment and heartache that we were likely experiencing.

I offer to you the words that warmed my heart in a moment of profound loss:

“Oh Jess, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what you are going through. My prayers are with both of you. I know God is watching over you. Please call me whenever, I’m here for you.”

“Jess, I love you so much. I am very sorry. Please feel free to call and talk about it or not. Many prayers.”

“Oh Jess, I’m so sorry. Of course, lots of prayers and I know everything happens for a reason but I am so sad. I’m glad Matt is there and I love you.”

With these words in my heart and my husband by my side, we headed to the local hospital to have the d&c, a procedure that would most definitely make this whole situation even more real.